Life

Restlessness calling …

April 4, 2024 Frances 12 Comments

It lives within me, a part of my essence. The more I feed it the more I feel it. The more I feel it the more restless it makes me. A restlessness I have indulged throughout my life. I have shape shifted as a result of it throughout the seasons and transitions of my life. I have come to learn that ignoring it is at my peril, for fearing it as I have found myself doing is rather deadly.

“Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now, take what’s left and live it properly. What doesn’t transmit light creates its own darkness.” ― Marcus Aurelius

Morbid? Maybe. But death is morbidity. Do I want to slowly die everyday or do I want to let the fear die. Do I want to feed my essence, the part that lives within me, that is me. The part that can’t be anyone else but me. The part that is me underneath the labels. The woman who lives underneath the daughter, sister, mother, wife, friend, neighbour, worker, etc. The me, the only one who knows all my secrets and experiences within this life.

Let me share a little secret with you. I love her. I love feeding her essence and feeling her breathe those deep fulfilled breaths. I love feeling like her. Like she is home within me. She isn’t all knowing. How can she be all knowing when it comes to life and everyone else? She can only know herself. She dreams her own dreams.

Perhaps that is what wisdom is. To simply know yourself, to respond to life in a way that honours yourself and respects others. To be responsible for your life and your choices but not at the expense of your own essence. To meet yourself right where you are in the moment and phase of life you are in. To belong there.

My younger self was good a meeting myself wherever I was. I could go where I needed to go, things could always be deferred. There is always more time, more opportunities. I was pliable and mortality, I was lucky, it happened somewhere else – in another reality. Of course it is privileged to live without fear, a privilege my younger self took for granted. I hope my kids also know life without fear – the places it can take you! I also hope they don’t defer important considerations. I hope they honour themselves.

Fear caught me eventually, it found me in the past few years and I have spent some time learning to tame it. I tried for a while but I no longer want to ignore fear, it has been very real. Fear has taught me things. I’ve had to get close and dangle myself into the crevices to touch it, to sit alongside it. I’ve had to feel it in my heartbeat, my nervousness, regrets and at times my sadness. I’ve had to be honest with myself and keep prying those crevices open and dig and dig until I could find familiar ground, safe ground. It has taught me to know who I am, albeit with a little more grace. It has taught me to make choices thar honour who I am. Ironically getting to know fear has taught me to stop being scared.

When did I start being scared? Probably when the world went crazy and everyone started acting as though opinions were facts, when people were locked in and out of their homes and countries and when intuition and feeling got lost in the hyperactivity of this ‘on’ world. I got her in the maze of noise, in homesickness and culture shock, in bad habits and just the normal life changes. We all face periods in life when the shit storm hits. I guess it was just my turn. Dang I reacted, no gentle and mature responding here. I like to think it has now helped me learn to be more compassionate and understanding of others.

Totally off track, but you know me – I like to go deep. I’ve been away from this style of writing, of writing to share. I’ve been living and learning. I am ready to tell some stories again and what I wanted to tell you about what just how wonderful things can be when you clear the spaces in the crevices that are no longer serving you. If you are looking for peace you need to create space for wonder. Wonder is like wild flowers in spring, it will grow up and out of the crevices if you’ve opened them to let the sun in.

It’s been a full month, a full year. I started strength training. Five weeks in to what is now a non negotiable for me, building a strong body. I feel very lucky. Late last year I asked the Dr for a bone scan. Not because I have had any symptoms and touch wood no breaks or fractures but because my mum has osteoporosis I wanted to check. The stats for women when it comes to preventable aging diseases are actually criminally high. Anyway, the scan revealed I do in fact need to consider taking care of my bone density. Especially, if I want to be hiking up and down mountains for the rest of my life. First it scared me (like everything else) then it became a turning point for me. It has made this next phase of my life very clear. I will live with the intention of aging in the healthiest way possible. Physically, mentally and socially. There is not room for deferring and putting things off until tomorrow.

Last week I received a letter. It almost scared me. I knew it would have some magic in it, good magic. It was a handwritten letter from a friend. A dear friend who writes beautiful words, who lives by the seasons and had a deep love for the moon. She is a mentor to me in many ways. Her words are always from well thought thoughts, lived experience and her deep connection with life and honesty.

This story has so many parts, I am still not at the part of what I wanted to write about but context is part of the story. I hope I haven’t lost you. What I wanted to say when I opened this page was… that in this time of coming back to what is important and meeting myself here in this moment, not just who I am now and what I need, but also who I have always been, the she that has been stuck at the bottom of the crevice as life began filling the spaces these past few years. How patient she has been. She feels a little more mature, maybe she grew up!?! She is no longer racing to the next thing when the restlessness rises, but noticing that her wild essence can be filled in ways that keep her where she is.

It can be filled with:

delaying gratification, saving a letter for the day you need some magic, something to shake you out of the lull that set in during week

not making the bed and choosing to go and write for the whole day or to read a book, tomorrow can be an organised day again

leaving a day free to see what happens, like today where I find myself out of the blue out to lunch (with myself) resurrecting my writing career

giving things up to start new things, swapping a cleaner for a gym session

saying yes to an opportunity that scares the shit out of me, but feels right – to be a guest speaker at a women’s hiking conference

saying no to entertaining the requests from friends to collaborate and create websites or businesses because that’s just not me

getting drenched in the rain twice in one week while out walking and embracing it

celebrating having made so many changes in habits that will create longevity over deficit. Celebrating all the wins

recognising that so much of what I have learnt in regards to health, fitness and wellness needs to be unlearnt

meeting those in my life where they are without expectations and projections

breaking up with the ‘on’ world. Charging my phone away from your body. Remembering to check in with myself when I wake up, not the rest of the world. Being unapologetic about that

realising that the world is full of lovely people and those kind interactions are just waiting for me to engage in, everyday

taking a bath in the middle of the day

picking three songs that speak to me and where I am right now, playing them each day. Let them keep me honest

adding some colour to a pot

clearing space for change, for the next phase of my life as this chapter closes. One drawer, one cupboard, one room, one bench, one inbox at a time

read, read, read

ask for what I need/want

do things in a different way
Work with what I have, not with wanting more

know it’s not all in my control, but today is and today is leading to me towards the things that matter, that truly matter to me

say what I need to say, not everything you I to say

know who I love and love them hard

Ok, that is probably enough now. I’ll hit publish and put myself back into this secret world that is writing and sharing and connecting. Feel free to write to me personally or in the comments if you too feel like writing or sharing or connecting. Where will this go? Who knows! But for now in this day I am back to writing myself into this next chapter. A chapter that is chomping at my feet and showing me exactly which way to go if I notice and slowly stay in my own flow. It’s time. I am ready.

Fran x

Travel

Reframe it! It is wild.

June 29, 2023 Frances 4 Comments

Hello sweet people!

The wildflower season is in full bloom in europe and everywhere you look it is spectacular. These flowers come with an abundance of energy and for me a longing for more. More fun, more outside, more big’ness, more tastes, more adventure, more interesting things. More WILD. But hey, WILD – what even is WILD.

Last night I went to post a photo on the gram of our first (well my first) swim for the season. That post was meant to have 2 sentence caption and before I knew it those two sentences were three paragraphs. It seems those wildflowers and their season also unleashes my well of creativity. When I start gramming like that, I KNOW I need to get writing. Creating.

Swimming in the lake, dinner on the mini bbq, laying on a towel watching the people who do such things on a school night got me feeling and thinking. Feeling like of all the things I could be doing (or not doing) this is exactly where I wanted to be. In fact I think I needed to be here. Here being reminded that we can be wild in our daily life, that everything has the potential to be reframed. If we are game enough, wild enough.

Wear those red shoes, your funky jacket, phone a friend don’t text, notice the birds, notice the flower, put the flower in your hair, go for a late night tapa with your partner/friend, be honest with someone, be honest with yourself, get some people together who don’t know each other but you love, try a new way of doing or thinking about something, say I love you more, download a language ap., delete a time wasting ap., say no, say yes – WILD. Yes WILD. Gosh I love the energy of this season!

Cheers to WILD friends. Oh and speaking off … I am packing. I’m going on a long walk and I am excited and a bit nervous. But it is going to be WILD. Spontaneous trips are. Especially when you’re trusting in fate and life and that everything will all be ok without you. Letting go – also WILD.

Anyways, I’m writing about it over at Your Camino. So meet me there if you want to escape to Northern Spain for next few weeks. I’ll try to remember to post my Friday postcard.

Adios friends!

F xx

Hiking, Life, Travel, writing

Wo-ah, yes, I see you!

June 22, 2023 Frances 3 Comments

“The simple everyday experiences become the doorway to new thoughts and inspirations.” – E. A. Bucchianeri

Hello sweet friends,

Have you had a wo-ah moment lately. That simple moment of noticing something that all of a sudden speaks to you. And you get it, the penny drops! Take for instance this week’s postcard. A shot from my daily walk. Do you see it, the great big doorway at the end of the avenue of trees? I walk this forest path regularly and on this day I was quite honestly captivated! How is it that on this day, it was the first time I had noticed this doorway.

How about the invitation from the gentle hues? Do they speak to you? A gentle reminder that sometimes that big doorway, though big and scary at first, may well actually be where the the sweetness is. On the otherside.

When we left off in my last postcard I was planning the next section of my ‘Home to Rome’ walk. I promised you I’d be sending you a postcard from there. Alas, life happened. Lurgy struck the household. While it is easy to say no when I can’t do something, there was a nagging voice ‘… uurgh you’ve written this whole spiel in your last postcard about following cues and now you’re not even going’. I needed this walk, but also I needed to be home. The choice was easy. But what about the cues, the calling, the thing I was doing for me?

Doorways have been on my mind. What is my next big one, the one that is going to smash open the banality of what has started to feel on some days like a small life. Small town monotony and a life of tasks for others. A day or two into the cancelled Belgian walk plans, my husband’s work trip scheduled for early July cancelled. Ooooh now this blew open some weeks on the family calendar, days where I wouldn’t be the ‘needed’ adult. I should take them, the weeks/months ahead are busy. Maybe, I could actually go a little further south. Maybe, I could walk my next section of the Camino del Norte.

So yes, that is now happening. I am not picking up my camino from ‘Home to Rome’ but in fact my ‘Camino del Norte’ project. So it has taken me sometime to find the words to write about this shift. With so many changes of plans in the past years and this nagging feeling of ‘what am I doing with my life’, I was struggling to yet again not be doing something I had committed to. Determined not to fall into the ‘woe is me’ spiral I often found myself last year, I kept walking and I kept taking notice. Open.

The doorway got me feeling, but also it got me thinking. It isn’t such a bad thing to be someone who isn’t rigid in their path. Aside from the reality that this is life for me right now. Living abroad with four big kids where stuff happens and plans change, we change – daily. This shape shifting, or my need to shape shift is simply my character. It’s a part of me and I need to remember how to embrace it, to be in touch with it, to work with it from where I am and to not resist it.

Maybe, the first door is simply the one that opens into the hallway?! And hallway is the entrance into the next chapter, into your life of opportunities. Maybe from here it is ok to open doors, close doors, sit in a room for a while, move to another room, go back, find a new room, see where that goes, bring something from one room to another. Friends, I think I am on an a new kind adventure. I’m not even sure what it is, or where it’s going, but it feels a bit exciting. And it feels like it should go slow, no promises or big challenges (not yet). Just … when the moments and opportunities present themselves and they feel right – I should GRAB them, invest in them. Invest in myself.

In my head I am living in a story, a secret world where only I can escape into. Protecting this story with boundaries and truth feels like a most important thing. There’s dreaming, dancing, fairytales, romance, suspense, curiosity, interesting characters and it feels oh so bloody delicious when I am there. I have lived and learnt a lot of over the past few years and now it’s time to trust in life again. To give in. Oh AND I can’t stop writing. Writing feels like it is a big part of what is happening. That doorway, that one end of the avenue that seemed to say ‘don’t be scared, look there are soft pink cushions for you to land on, to sink safely into’ maybe, it was in fact a doorway back into a creative life via bravery. And creativity teamed with bravery, well that friends is a powerful elixir – isn’t it!

Travel

Where was I again, oh there I was, on that path …

June 2, 2023 Frances 7 Comments

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
Maya Angelou

Hello lovelies!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what comes next. When is the next new path going to appear, the one that feels like the right one to plant the seeds. If I was the praying type I’d be praying for the next door to appear. I’m not, instead I’ve been wishing for it. Dear universe, please give me a hint. A clue to find you.

💫🚪💫

Last week while out walking I captured this blog’s accompanying photo. A field of wild flowers, buttercups. I’ve walked these woods for the past 5 springs and never have I ever seen this field in bloom like this. Along my well worn, regularly walked, at times a tad boring path – on this day, this difference caught my attention. My first clue. I knew I’d come back to this picture. There was something about it.

on this day

A field of wild flowers did seem like the perfect postcard to send you from my little corner of Europe. It sparked the idea of this blog transitioning into a postcard for you from europe. An little rhyme to accompany your postcard came to me one night while I was drifting off. A sweet way to share this image.

plenty came to play

and all it wanted to say

was have a beautiful day

Perhaps the beauty of this field planted a seed. Hmm how does this work? Do I plant the seeds for what comes next or are the seeds already planted for me? Is it for me to notice and water them?

I sat with my photo and it’s rhyme a little longer.

Each evening I’ve been hopping into live daily blogs written by pilgrims hiking along the camino. The photos of wildflowers in bloom have been spectacular as have the vibes from the trail in their daily debriefs (daily joy Mel). They are triggering some familiar stirrings in me. The desire to go away and walk, a long walk. Hmm a clue perhaps!?

I’ve a long list of blog posts to write for my new your camino site but something has been holding me back. Blank. Boring. They needed soul, some context. An actual camino. Wouldn’t writing a post about toiletries be more fun if they were actually getting packed! Yes, another clue.

Now I’m confused. ‘It’s the pilgrimage home to Oz I long for though isn’t it’ I thought. And yet that is not on the cards for me right now. My life is here. But where is that damn door that’s going to make these next two years of my life – a life that’s lived like I mean it!? I want more than getting by – I want a fierce, bold, adventurous and wildly lived life. No regrets. No quiet mouse. No timidly shaking under the weight of what if, what might. Uugghh why is reinventing myself so hard right now. Wait, there’s another clue.

The memes say you shouldn’t look back, only forward. I’ve been trying that, but memes I disagree. To move forward sometimes we have to go back. Look back at where we’ve been, who we were, what lit our soul on fire. There the clues to know who you are can be found. I read some of my writing from 2016, yes, now I remember why I’m here. I was also scrolling my instagram today looking for a photo for someone. That little online photo album showed me something. It showed me when I was fierce, bold, adventurous and wild and it wasn’t even that long ago. The time when I trusted in who I am and where I was. Wo-ah. BIG clue.

In a conversation with someone recently, they shared an ‘opinion’ of something we should do and right away the penny dropped. I won’t be able to step into abundance again if I carry these ever so frequently shared scarcity based opinions. I can’t do it the way other people do it. I.Never.Have. Clue.

My mind shifted. So many shifts lately it’s actually hard to stay on track. I hope I’m making sense. You see I’ve been heavily weighed down by the ‘family’ project. Where do we need to be? This big transition we’re in, what does it need? And then I’m frustrated because actually right now what we need is to be here. But I’m not here. Not really.

I googled ‘what’s a project for a 50 year old’. I know I need a passion, something that feverishly excites me. I’ve always had one. The long term family project, I can think about it but it’s in the seed stage. It’s not yet something I can act on. But in my reading of camino blogs, my writing archives and my photos I started to remember something, there is a path that is open and waiting…

‘Perhaps I’ll go walk the next stage of the norte camino next week’ I thought. Could I make that happen? No, it’s very costly to do at a whim, time and financially. A dear friend, one whose opinions are of the abundance camp (love you Gen) suggested last week that I pop on the train and pick up my ‘Home to Rome’ walk again. A seed not a clue.

Last weekend we were in Maastricht for a weekend of hiking and camping. I came home fully alive from being in those hills. My favourite part of The Netherlands I declared. And you know the last place where I left off from my Home to Rome pilgrimage? Yep, Maastricht. A clue or a seed? You choose.

My next google search was Maastricht to Belgium hiking and wouldn’t you know it … there’s a pilgrim path that leaves Maastricht to Namur. Via monsana it’s called and it hooks up with more pilgrim paths. Paths that lead to via francigena which is the path that will ultimately take me to Rome.

So there you are! Lots of little clues leading me back to my ‘Home to Rome’ project. A project to take me forward. And it doesn’t feel like the past because it’s a new trail, just one I’m picking up from where I left off. Maybe I don’t need to reinvent myself. I just need to find myself again, to pick up where I left off and to work out how to future proof myself because life is changing! As it does.

So sometime next week, hopefully your postcard will come from via monsana!

Till then BIG love,

Fran xx

Here’s another postcard snap from one of my walks! In the past these sorts of shots were a daily occurrence for me. How sweet it is to take a beautiful photo.

Life, writing

That feeling of coming home, know it?

May 25, 2023 Frances Leave a comment

“The best way to change the world is in concentric circles: start with yourself and work your way out from there.”
James Clear

Hi there!

Well it’s been a minute. How are things with you? It has been all sorts busy here. Still we await the arrival of the northern hemisphere’s spring season, as in really arrive and not disappear again tomorrow! The winter has been long, the busy has been good and oh my gosh this is my first post for the year! And.It.Is.May.Already. There’s been learning, trying new things and settling into life as I chill my nervous system.

Learning by living is my modus operandi, so when I am quiet in these times and sharing less, never fear. I’m simply off being human and growing with that experience. It’s nice though to feel ready to come home and to begin to grow something with words. To once again write to you from a sturdy place. There’s so much to talk about!

Hey, so, I know we aren’t really talking about the C time and I know we all experienced that time differently, but during my deep dive into being human I had to think about how the pandemic affected me. It’s not the first time I’ve had to face some really tough feelings but it was probably the hardest.

It wasn’t the actual pandemic time that was hard for me. It was more so the years after. Specifically, this notion of simply returning to life that’s a ‘new normal’, one that doesn’t accommodate for changes. It is not quite ridiculous to expect to simply go back to being the same with a new tag?! I mean let’s be honest … who is the same two years on, ever. Even without a pandemic – things, life changes. When I look back at the amount of change in my usually quiet life I feel a great deal of sympathy for my nervous system, no wonder it got itself stuck in survival mode.

My family of little kids, those kids who danced behind the pide piper when she (me) played the next tune went and grew up. Really grew, the buggers. Two became fully fledged teens and boy that was something I did not have a manual or a script for. It’s taken some trial and error. After being locked out of our home country during the pandemic, the connection with our ozzie’ness shifted and this happened differently for all of us. Our parents downsized, aged and our old life at ‘home’ felt like it lost its roots.

We renovated a house (ha never again, ever). Th challenge aside from the actual living in a building site was that as someone who keeps it small and prefers the company of kind, interesting, honest, pay it forward types and a lot of quiet space was that I had to live with builders in that space everyday. Builders who regularly took the piss, lied and instead of 6, took 18 months. Oh and then there is the peri menopause, yep that hit at the same time. JESUS that peri – it took my energy, brain, confidence and what resilience I had left. Lol and they’re just the big things!

The good news is that I have found peace with all the change. Time is a great healer, yes, this is true … but also it is what you do in the time that heals. There has been plenty of sitting in my shit. A bit, hmm maybe a lot of woe is me. But, maybe this is necessary sometimes. Some time to feel sad for yourself, or to feel your sadness so you can uncover what it is you are really sad about and what you need. I am glad for it. Obviously, it isn’t fun but to accept change, but to step out of the flight, fight, fawn or freeze response it felt necessary. To me, this is self love. To love yourself enough to give yourself the grace to not be ok when you’re not, to give yourself and those around you compassion, to accept being imperfect and the imperfections of others, humaness. To recognise where and who you are and to be ok with that.

Anyways, that’s just a little of where I’ve been. If you’re interested in where the peace came from well a number of ways. I talk to someone. She helped me rip off a few bandaids. Under those bandaids were some wounds that I needed to give air to. We all know wounds heal better when exposed (if ready). I realised some of my teenage wounds were causing me to react rather than to respond to my own teens. Flight/fight. My catholic upbringing, schooling and life experiences still have some real impacts on me – fawn/freeze (don’t be seen). In survival mode it felt boundless and just as a river can’t flow without banks I couldn’t find my flow without boundaries which explained the bewildered state.

Anyways, from the chats I began thinking about how to step out of the fear mode I was existing in and how I could settle my nervous system. Diet came next. I was eating for survival. My gut health needed some love and based on tests – gluten, sugar and dairy are gone for now. I feel better. I gave up alcohol in favour of special occasions but kept coffee, I drink a lot of hot water and herb tea too. it’s not easy and these changes are a work in progress.

On a whim I picked up and read a book (this book) and honestly it changed my life. Peri/menopause is a feminist issue and we need to talk about it. I started HRT and that is something I never thought I would ever do. I have learnt that as women we are completely gaslit when it comes to our hormones and what this change means. We cannot rely on all caregivers to provide accurate, evidence based, individual information. An oestrogen deficiency played havoc with my body just as a thyroxine or insulin issues can for some. Those oestrogen receptors that live from my head down to my toes are now dancing with happiness to be awake. My energy has returned and the brain fog has disappeared. So now I can move, hot yoga, cycling and walking (always walking) are my things right now.

There is no magic bullet in my story here, just a few different paths I took to try to find my way through to post pandemic ‘new normal’. The gem for me was to learn that I can’t do what I’ve always done to cope and what that meant for me in terms of action. I couldn’t run/hike my way through it – injuries. I couldn’t write my way out of it – brain fog. I couldn’t eat my way out of it – health consequences, I couldn’t do something new (study) or adventurous (plan a move) – no energy. I simply had to sit still and move slowly and be open to and accept new things. I am not there yet but I am better for it. I need to give weight to all the puzzle pieces.

So, new things. Well, yes. As you all know I’m a little bit of a gypsy soul and I ~~like~~ need some excitement … some sweet synchronicity, some of those oh-wow-what-a-coincidence type moments and really I just need to find and hang out with my people. The ones get that about me, about life and that keep it interesting. Writing has always been such a beautiful doorway for me to stay connected with and to find the finest of kindreds. I started a new blog and gosh I’m excited (and nervous) to be in this space.

Your Camino

It is something different for me. This current blog you may remember started as the fundraiser for my first camino and it’s veered off is so many directions I don’t know what it is anymore! It is boundless. Of course that is ok. But like the river needs its banks, I want to do something that is in flow so I need boundaries, banks. I need to create something with direction. Already in the short time I’ve been playing over on your camino I’ve had some sweet interactions. I’ve felt a shift in what my mind thinks about and where it goes, my step and I’ve felt that feeling of ‘good’ fear. Like I am actually doing something that scares me a little. I like that I can connect people.

It feels time to challenge myself and see what I am capable of in this time. With commitment, the work of that feels doable. There are of course many sites dedicated to the camino, and yes there’s that shadow part of me that thinks and says ‘how do I fit with those, how can I compete, what if you fail’? But you know, I am tired of wondering about that, and it’s not a competition. So, I am creating my own unique space dedicated to camino walking, not trying to fit in. I am just going to write my stories and walk my walk, write to connect people and that alone feels like success.

I wanted to write this open the conversation about ‘new normal’ and change because it feels important, how are you with yours? And I am thinking a bit about this blog and I think perhaps this will become a letter about life here or maybe it will disappear. We shall see what flow says. We did have a beautiful weekend away last weekend in the fabulous south where the wildflowers are in bloom and there are hills. Hills in the flatlands, yes it’s true, they really exist. I am out of time and page space so I’ll share that with you next time.

With much love and grace,

Fran xx

Sneak peak from next week … the wildflowers